Wisdom of ages
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. It’s weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected. Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby. It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember Don’t sing!
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
If you can’t think of a word say I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Coronacoaster: noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV, or Alexa spying on you, your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
A sardonic and cynical Senior might say. . .
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.